(limits week)
Week 3 is one of my favorite times during APEX because you really get into a flow state. You’re in a good rhythm, you’re cozy in the fast, most of the time you’re on top of your shit by this time. Emotions are also mostly stabilized (it can get pretty intense in the first couple of weeks when you’re no longer numbing).
By Wednesday, I noticed something interesting happen. As I looked at my life, I started to see that everything was good… like, really good. Like, so good I don’t need anything at all. Like… the best my life has ever been!
I started to take inventory of what was going on:
I live in a beautiful place.
I have more love and romance in my life than ever before, my relationship is thriving.
My creative flow is nonstop, and I’m consistently building on multiple media platforms.
My business is more stable than it’s ever been.
My relationship with money is secure and expectant. Scaling and growing is inevitable.
I feel great about my body.
My daily routines are dialed in, inspired, and not forced.
I’m exercising more than usual without a fleck of resistance (I plan on teaching how I did this inside Slut Magic at some point).
I’m handling my OCD like a pro and I’ve developed new tools for managing that.
All my impatience has completely dissolved.
I’m holding my connection to God consistently throughout the days, it feels as though I’m in constant prayer and appreciation.
Honestly, I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect peak goodness to feel like, but I came to an awareness that I “made it.”
On Thursday, October 19th, I started to feel paranoid. Nothing was happening, nothing was going wrong, I just noticed a very subtle resistance accompanied by paranoid thoughts.
I then realized that I was at my current threshold for goodness in my life… and in that very moment I had acute awareness that my next steps have the potential to be life changing.
Option 1: tolerate or diminish the paranoia with “ugh! I shouldn’t be feeling this way, nothing is ever good enough blah blah blah.”
Option 2: fucking floor it!
I chose the latter.
I spent hours excavating and massaging my mind and getting radically honest with myself. I looked at every fear, immediately. I left no stone unturned. I addressed my mindset and beliefs like my life depended on it.
I did embodiment work, I did yoga, I went for walks, I prayed and told God I feel ready to co-create from the space of better and better, more and more, and I meant it.
I could feel myself evolving out of the pattern of desperation and need. This was one of the most important moments of my life, I could feel it without knowing what would come of it. I knew I wanted to discover the territory beyond creation from need or poor self perception.
It felt like my entire life has been leading up to this, every drop of work I had been doing for the past 15 years was about to pay off in ways I couldn’t comprehend. I could feel the defining moment this was.
I self soothed like it was my full time job, I thanked my fears for showing me my resistance, beliefs, and definitions. I doused my life in appreciation, I expressed as much love as possible to the people around me. I meditated, a lot.
Look, there are some times when chilling, relaxing, taking it easy, and fucking around are appropriate, THIS WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES. I didn’t care if it was excessive, or if I wouldn’t see the impact of my work for the next 10 years. The urgency I felt in my bones cannot accurately be captured by human language.
I was bound and determined to find the next level of “life isn’t just good, it’s fucking magical and endlessly so.”
My paranoia and fear continued to shape shift. When each fear arose, I soothed, connected to a higher perspective, thanked the experience and observed the next fear, rinse, repeat. It went exactly like this:
Fear of tumors in my abdomen.
Fear of spontaneously getting epilepsy.
Fear my heart will explode.
Fear of going blind.
Fear of going deaf.
Fear my man will die.
Fear I will be in a car accident.
Fear my clients hate me.
Fear I will be persecuted.
Fear I will be attacked by a dog.
Fear I will fall down a flight of stairs
Fear I have melanoma.
Fear of getting in “trouble,” whatever that means.
Fear of getting bedbugs.
Fear of being possessed beyond my control.
Fear of old hag syndrome.
Fear that Pennywise was in my closet, and a monster was under my bed…
I didn’t think my fears had a bottom, but apparently they did. Once the fear devolved into a monster under the bed I was able to see it for what it truly was, nonsense.
This awareness didn’t mean they completely went away. In the days following this realization, I continued my mental upkeep and addressing each fear as they whack-a-moled into my mind.
There’s a serious misconception that once you address a fear it should be eliminated from your experience forever, and that’s simply not the case. Fears will persistently come up when they’ve been practiced over and over again. And in order to fully “install” a preferred belief, you need to be just as persistent with actively choosing and feeling that again and again.
One of the things I told myself going into this round of APEX was that I wanted to play out to the absolute fullest... I wanted to max out, reach a new height. I definitely didn’t expect to get there 2.5 weeks in. 😳
Anyway, this was a significant week, and there’s only more to come. I’ll continue sharing developments as they unfold! Stay tuned.
PS: the next round of APEX is happening in April 2024. If you’re wanting to secure your seat or get an extended payment plan, please reach out to my team at hello@onyxhealing.com so they can set you up.
If you wanna learn more about APEX, you can read more here: