COMMITMENT WEEK (APEX: WEEK 6)

(commitment week)

Okay let’s pick up where we left off last week, post migraine…

When I told you it felt like a lifetime emotional poison left my body that night I was serious. The biggest thing that happened for me this week was the fact that my attachment issues have seemingly completely vanished… no avoidance, no fear, no anxiety, nothing!

I definitely didn’t have that on my bingo card for this round of APEX but here we are.

Honestly I don’t have much of an update this week as I’ve been working quite a lot - recording lots of podcasts, writing a lot, working on a new project (cough cough, definitely get on the waitlist here hehe).

The one big thing that I realized this week was a major change I’ll be making to APEX for the next round. It’s actually a big update for the protocol itself which I am super excited about, and I think it’s really going to change the impact and sustainability of month 2.

Anyway, that’s all for this week!

Learn more about APEX, here:

REALIGNMENT WEEK (APEX: WEEK 5)

(realignment week)

Oh boy… this week was an intense shift. You may remember from my week 3 recap that I explained I could feel a major opportunity to break out of the “need” cycle and into creation from pure desire.

My assessment was correct, but it’s unfolded in some unsuspecting ways…

Last weekend, I started to notice myself becoming quite paranoid. I was having nightmares and would wake up with raging anxiety with no clear origin: every time I tried to find the source it would shape-shift. Despite regulating myself to the best of my ability, I couldn’t quite shake this feeling.

This went on for several days leading up to my Notes From Future Self Workshop, which I’m now doing at the end of each month for those on my newsletter. If you’re not familiar with this process - this aspect of the story matters a lot. I’ll post some info at the bottom of this blog.

Without going into too much detail, essentially, at the end of the month, you write a few statements from the future version of you one month ahead. Then, when you open it at the end of the month, you get to see how everything shook out compared to your statements.

Whether the statements themselves “come true” or not isn’t the most important part, however… I do find that simply connecting to your future self and making the statements will begin to shift things around.

This is where things get interesting…

I think this will be best illustrated if I list out the exact series of events that unfolded.

  • I had terrible anxiety for some unknown reason.

  • I checked and cleared myself of any parasitic attachments that may have been causing this.

  • A few days later, I hosted the Notes From Future Self Workshop (October 31st).

  • One of my personal statements from the workshop was “yes, it’s happening.”

  • The next day, November 1st, I did some embodiment work and realized that October 27th was the anniversary of a car accident that changed the trajectory of my life (a forklift sliced through the roof of my car as I drove past a construction zone).

  • October 27th was also the anniversary of the beginning of my major mental health crisis in 2017. I consider October 27th to be “the day it started,” as that was when my stress vomiting began (this detail is important) and mental health became unmanageable without professional help.

  • During this same embodiment session, I received a text message which started a conflict.

  • A couple hours later, I did an emotional, facial massage/tension release.

  • That massage (along with everything else) triggered a migraine.

  • That migraine led to hours of relentless pain and vomiting bile.

During one of my dozen trips (literally) to the bathroom, I had this intense wave of awareness wash over me - it felt like a lifetime of emotional poison was leaving my body. It was… so similar to what happened in 2017.

While it wouldn’t be my first choice for how I would like to complete a 6 year cycle, it was complete nonetheless.

The following day, November 2nd, I was still coming out of the migraine haze, but there was a substantial emotional shift. There was absolutely no fear or anxiety in my body any longer. All of the scary stories I used to ruminate about seemed ridiculous - even impossible.

Then, my newfound fearlessness and fresh perspective led me to deeper honesty and clarity. That led to some aligned risk taking and boundary setting which shattered the perpetuation of old dynamics. That led to next level empowerment regarding my creatorship.

And even though I didn’t understand why a certain conflict emerged, I now realize it had to do with that one teeny tiny statement: “yes, it’s happening.” Had I not been presented with a certain conflict, I would not have had the opportunity to set a particular boundary which changes the trajectory of everything.

To be clear, I’m not saying that fear is no longer a part of my life, or that I don’t feel fear (that would not be good lol). It was a specific, contextual fear that transformed.

One of the things that I often say about APEX is that it will always surprise you. This is my 5th round and it still takes me for a ride.

How the pieces of our lives are being Divinely orchestrated and reorganized are not visible to the physical mind, but the important part is that you simply know that they are. It’s important that you not “call it too soon,” so you can see what’s on the other side.

The events of your life do not have any meaning aside from what you choose to project onto them. The more you get into the habit of assuming it is all for you, the more it will reveal itself to be for you.

While I definitely didn’t expect the events of this week to occur, one thing that I know for sure is that the effects will have a massive impact on the months and years to come. The more I do this, the more I’m able to see how the seeds of today will take on a life of their own sooner than I think.

It’s still blowing my mind that I’m only a little more than 1/2 way through APEX. The plasticity of time is more evident than ever…

Anyway, there’s more to come, so stay tuned!

xoxoxoxo

NOTES FROM FUTURE SELF WORKSHOP RESOURCES

CLARITY WEEK (APEX: WEEK 4)

(clarity week)

Right around week 4 or 5 is when things can start to get a little fussy… it’s often the biggest growth spurt, and I find that this is the time when most internal and external pieces begin shifting significantly. This isn’t always the case, but it’s common.

During the previous round, I moved a week and a half into APEX, which is absolutely brutal on my nervous system more so than the average person. By week 4, I was in the throws of a major depression that sent me running into the arms of God once again (I’m getting emotional thinking about it now). It’s important to note that my intention last time was to “deepen my relationship with God” *eye roll* - I definitely did NOT need to do that.

Needless to say, I got what I asked for. My spiritual practice changed a lot, as did my listening.

This time, my intention was to play full out as much as possible, specifically with my work - I didn’t know exactly how that would present itself, but I was willing to take it day by day. One of my work-related intentions was to write 1,000 words per day (on average) even if I don’t publish it and I suspect I’ve greatly exceeded that. By day 22, I filled up over 100 pages in my journal, and that doesn’t even include work related writing.

During the Slut Magic launch, I found myself getting annoyed with my own lack of brand cohesion, an issue that never bothered me previously. I no longer liked the feeling of creative and visual whiplash that would happen with every seasonal shift. It was as if every time I launched something, it didn’t feel quite like my essence.

This was further illustrated when I started posting re-contextualized porn memes (which I had a blast making by the way), and someone left a comment saying “what the fuck is this garbage?” and while I am well aware that it’s a highly polarizing program, the bigger issue was the lack of recognition. I wasn’t bothered by her being upset at my inappropriate meme… I was frustrated that people didn’t know it was me.

I was a random account to this person!

About half way through this week, I woke up and knew it was time to lock in my branding.

This is significant coming from a commitment-phobe… Over the past 6.5 years of building my business, I never felt like branding was a worthwhile use of energy considering my work was changing so quickly. To me, the effort and commitment required to establish a brand is the equivalent of getting hitched… so you better believe I was going to take my time dating.

Over the years, I played with different “vibes,” ran lots of experiments, honed my craft, really dug into the focal points of my purpose and passion, got clear on my mission… and I’m happy to announce that I feel soooooo dialed in and laser focused. Like I’ve shifted from bachelorette to happily married housewife. I also have something very exciting coming soon that will seamlessly blend in with all my recent branding decisions, it’s as if my entire life has been leading up to this culmination of my work… but for now, you’ll have to endure the tease hehe.

For me, branding needed to follow a clear vision and refined purpose. Now, it feels like I’m settled into something that will stand the test of time (just don’t ask me about fonts for the love of God.)

SIDE NOTE: I’m a big believer in picking the low hanging fruit first. There really is no need to spend 10,000 years overthinking branding you might change in 5 minutes. (Or worse, if you spend too much time and energy on something and then struggle letting it evolve or letting it die). To me, right next steps always make themselves evident.

I DITCHED ALL MY SHORT TERM GOALS

One of the most notable things that happened this week was the realization that my short term goals are getting in the way of my big vision, and ironically enough, I concluded this was slowing me down.

Decisions made for short term goals are very different from decisions that are made for long term vision, and when your focus is short term only… the Universe reflects short term only (and this also can energetically perpetuate the presence of problems but that’s a conversation for a different day). I didn’t really have awareness about how much I was doing this, but I realized it was stunting situations in multiple areas of my life in the name of short term “comfort.”

TO BE CLEAR, some people do great with short term goals and respond well to that kind of pressure! I am not one of those people. It’s important to know yourself and what you respond well to. Personally, my big dreams don’t do well being suffocated in the short term.

So… I decided to ditch the idea of short term goals completely… even annual goals are a distraction at this point. The time piece really shouldn’t be considered unless you can use it constructively, as it can disrupt your state now - and now is what creates your experience of “later” anyway.

I’ll let you know how this experiment goes.

MY LATEST OBSESSION: CONCEPT ART

With my recent branding revelation also came an unexpected obsession: concept art.

I’m not sure if any of you can relate to this, but I draw far more inspiration from the manmade “world” than the natural world. I mean sure, the half dome in Yosemite surely has a great view… but it doesn’t give me that ✨magic✨ feeling. I’m not going to get much inspiration by going to Bryce Canyon and looking at rocks all day.

…but you take me to Las Vegas? Suddenly I’m FLOODED with inspiration.

Kinzie Madsen (a fellow creator I follow online) refers to this as “fake towns,” and she’s also a fan. Places like Palm Springs, Disneyland, Las Vegas… you know… FAKE TOWNS. Overly curated environments. Literally everything from the horizon to the scent of the air you breathe is a curated experience.

AND I LOVE IT!

Perhaps it’s my Venus in Aquarius, but there’s something about the otherworldly, overly-curated, so-magical-it-can’t-be-real essence that really stimulates me.

Which leads me to this… Disney animation classic concept art:

Many of you know how active my imagination is, and if you’re in Astral Playground you’ve definitely experienced it for yourself.

But for whatever reason, concept art activates lots of my daydreams. Not necessarily scenes I imagine will happen in my life, but a feeling I desire to capture. Like a feeling of physical places I haven’t been to, but I know exist in some capacity essence wise. Or experiences that share that same essence.

This wave of inspiration got me really excited to re-watch Disney classics from my current perspective. I fully plan on watching them once I break my fast just to see what else it stirs up. Can you really go wrong with the sensation of more magic in your life?

Anyway, the point is, still art and concept art has unexpectedly been a massive source of manifestation inspiration for me. We all know that when you embody the sensation of it, compatible experiences will materialize on the heels of it.

So let this be a reminder to pay close attention to the things that activate sensations you want more of in your life. Seek them out, often (even if it is a bunch of rocks hehe).

THE NEXT ROUND OF APEX STARTS APRIL 2023

Learn more below.

LIMITS WEEK (APEX: WEEK 3)

(limits week)

Week 3 is one of my favorite times during APEX because you really get into a flow state. You’re in a good rhythm, you’re cozy in the fast, most of the time you’re on top of your shit by this time. Emotions are also mostly stabilized (it can get pretty intense in the first couple of weeks when you’re no longer numbing).

By Wednesday, I noticed something interesting happen. As I looked at my life, I started to see that everything was good… like, really good. Like, so good I don’t need anything at all. Like… the best my life has ever been!

I started to take inventory of what was going on:

  • I live in a beautiful place.

  • I have more love and romance in my life than ever before, my relationship is thriving.

  • My creative flow is nonstop, and I’m consistently building on multiple media platforms.

  • My business is more stable than it’s ever been.

  • My relationship with money is secure and expectant. Scaling and growing is inevitable.

  • I feel great about my body.

  • My daily routines are dialed in, inspired, and not forced.

  • I’m exercising more than usual without a fleck of resistance (I plan on teaching how I did this inside Slut Magic at some point).

  • I’m handling my OCD like a pro and I’ve developed new tools for managing that.

  • All my impatience has completely dissolved.

  • I’m holding my connection to God consistently throughout the days, it feels as though I’m in constant prayer and appreciation.

Honestly, I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect peak goodness to feel like, but I came to an awareness that I “made it.”

On Thursday, October 19th, I started to feel paranoid. Nothing was happening, nothing was going wrong, I just noticed a very subtle resistance accompanied by paranoid thoughts.

I then realized that I was at my current threshold for goodness in my life… and in that very moment I had acute awareness that my next steps have the potential to be life changing.

Option 1: tolerate or diminish the paranoia with “ugh! I shouldn’t be feeling this way, nothing is ever good enough blah blah blah.”
Option 2: fucking floor it!

I chose the latter.

I spent hours excavating and massaging my mind and getting radically honest with myself. I looked at every fear, immediately. I left no stone unturned. I addressed my mindset and beliefs like my life depended on it.

I did embodiment work, I did yoga, I went for walks, I prayed and told God I feel ready to co-create from the space of better and better, more and more, and I meant it.

I could feel myself evolving out of the pattern of desperation and need. This was one of the most important moments of my life, I could feel it without knowing what would come of it. I knew I wanted to discover the territory beyond creation from need or poor self perception.

It felt like my entire life has been leading up to this, every drop of work I had been doing for the past 15 years was about to pay off in ways I couldn’t comprehend. I could feel the defining moment this was.

I self soothed like it was my full time job, I thanked my fears for showing me my resistance, beliefs, and definitions. I doused my life in appreciation, I expressed as much love as possible to the people around me. I meditated, a lot.

Look, there are some times when chilling, relaxing, taking it easy, and fucking around are appropriate, THIS WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES. I didn’t care if it was excessive, or if I wouldn’t see the impact of my work for the next 10 years. The urgency I felt in my bones cannot accurately be captured by human language.

I was bound and determined to find the next level of “life isn’t just good, it’s fucking magical and endlessly so.”

My paranoia and fear continued to shape shift. When each fear arose, I soothed, connected to a higher perspective, thanked the experience and observed the next fear, rinse, repeat. It went exactly like this:

  1. Fear of tumors in my abdomen.

  2. Fear of spontaneously getting epilepsy.

  3. Fear my heart will explode.

  4. Fear of going blind.

  5. Fear of going deaf.

  6. Fear my man will die.

  7. Fear I will be in a car accident.

  8. Fear my clients hate me.

  9. Fear I will be persecuted.

  10. Fear I will be attacked by a dog.

  11. Fear I will fall down a flight of stairs

  12. Fear I have melanoma.

  13. Fear of getting in “trouble,” whatever that means.

  14. Fear of getting bedbugs.

  15. Fear of being possessed beyond my control.

  16. Fear of old hag syndrome.

  17. Fear that Pennywise was in my closet, and a monster was under my bed…

I didn’t think my fears had a bottom, but apparently they did. Once the fear devolved into a monster under the bed I was able to see it for what it truly was, nonsense.

This awareness didn’t mean they completely went away. In the days following this realization, I continued my mental upkeep and addressing each fear as they whack-a-moled into my mind.

There’s a serious misconception that once you address a fear it should be eliminated from your experience forever, and that’s simply not the case. Fears will persistently come up when they’ve been practiced over and over again. And in order to fully “install” a preferred belief, you need to be just as persistent with actively choosing and feeling that again and again.

One of the things I told myself going into this round of APEX was that I wanted to play out to the absolute fullest... I wanted to max out, reach a new height. I definitely didn’t expect to get there 2.5 weeks in. 😳

Anyway, this was a significant week, and there’s only more to come. I’ll continue sharing developments as they unfold! Stay tuned.

PS: the next round of APEX is happening in April 2024. If you’re wanting to secure your seat or get an extended payment plan, please reach out to my team at hello@onyxhealing.com so they can set you up.

If you wanna learn more about APEX, you can read more here:

REFINEMENT WEEK (APEX: WEEK 2)

(refinement week)

This week, I officially broke into the crying-tears-of-appreciation stage. Normally, it takes me a bit longer to get into this zone, but I’ve been doing some pretty intense meditations over the past couple days which have really cracked things open.

Week 2 of APEX is notorious for being the most boring. It’s when slip ups are most likely to occur, and you’ve settled into a nice routine, but you’re facing new levels of boredom that can be extremely uncomfortable at first. Boredom is tricky… it’s the emotional temptress that seduces you into numbness. It can either derail you completely, or open up major opportunities for deeper listening, inspired action, and alignment.

The other thing to note about week 2 is it’s a “3D lag” week, meaning, most people are not in full harvest mode even if they’re seeing energetic movement. It can be easy to screw around during this time and forget that each and every move you make is going to have an impact on the weeks, months, and years to come.

I decided to call this time “refinement week” because that’s exactly what it is. You’re much more conscious and on point than the week prior, but can see all the places where you can take yourself even further. I find that your level of commitment and refinement during this stage really sets the tone for what unfolds later.

Personally, this time has been ripe with breakthroughs, and as a result, my creative inspiration is flowing like crazy.

APEX is known to drastically shift people’s perception and experience of time, but this week has really put some things into perspective - specifically my relationship with TikTok (ironic much?) Every time I go into this protocol it forces me to put attention on how intentional I am being with my time and how much impact I am baking into every moment. I’m sure I’ll have more to write about this soon…

I’ve decided to release the idea of creating on or consuming TikTok even after this round of APEX is complete. My experience is that it’s very difficult to control your focus (and therefore your vibration) when you’re on TikTok - much more than on other social media platforms.

It’s a time thief.
A black hole.
The place where time goes to die.

If I am not utilizing time energetically in the moment, then that time does not have the opportunity to serve me later. The past two weeks have really illustrated how important the utilization of my time is, because it’s always adding up.

COOL SHIT THAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK:

  • My Slut Magic pre-launch has been going way better than expected!

  • Tried a new recipe.

  • I recorded a great podcast episode (well, at least I think it was fantastic hehe) it’s the MOMENTUM episode of Sunday Messages ep: 257.

  • I haven’t had a headache in 11 days! (In case you don’t know, I get headaches often - 11 days without one is a HUGE win. It feels like a personal record lol.)

  • Did some significant recalibration around layers of insecurity I’ve been numbing (I’m feeling significantly more stable and confident).

  • I’ve been “in the lab” for Slut Magic, as I desire to continue adding to that program.

  • Client successes are already rolling in (improved relationships, new opportunities, new career paths, deep emotional repairs, ya know… all the usual APEX stuff). These celebrations started happening just 9 days in!

  • Launched a free, monthly workshop called “notes from future self” and I’m so excited about it! (If you want in on this, make sure you’re subscribed to my newsletter here).

  • Came to the conclusion that I no longer want to consume TikTok even when I’m finished with this fast… the platform itself is quite brutal on my nervous system and ability to focus. I do not miss it, and I don’t want to pressure myself to create short form content when it’s really not my passion, clearly. Apparently I’m a blogger girlie now? Lol.

  • I’ve been having BOMB ASS meditations! God, I’ve fallen back in love with my practice. I can’t get enough. Right now I’m doing 30-40 minutes about 3 times per day.

  • I had some personal relationship wins that would take too much explaining for them to make sense in one bullet point. Let’s just say, things are very, very good.

Holy smokes! It’s wild to see how much happens in a week when it’s all listed out like this.

Alrighty! I will talk to you next week to chat all about week 3!

DETOX WEEK (APEX: WEEK 1)

(detox week)

If you’ve been in my world for some time now, you’ve likely heard me talk about “detox week.” Basically, the first week of APEX is when all the stuff you’ve been numbing comes to the surface to be worked through (oh goodie).

It’s not always the prettiest, but it clears the energetic pipes so to speak. If you happen to be busy or living a very full life the first 2 weeks of APEX, the true detox phase hits around week 3 or 4, but in my experience, week 1 is when most people experience this phase.

THIS TIME, MY DETOX LOOKED LIKE:

  • Exhaustion the first 2 days

  • Increased sensitivity to my body

  • Changes in digestion (that full story is at the bottom of this blog)

  • Irritability/agitation

  • Health OCD returned with a vengeance, I suspect I’ve been numbing my anxiety and fear so now I get to properly recalibrate it.

Detox week requires the most maintenance and diligence of the entire protocol, so I am seriously looking forward to week 2… but despite the detox, per usual, I was still showered in blessings! Check it out…

COOL SHIT THAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK:

  • After months of trying to “figure it out”, I got a huge piece of branding clarity about a new program I’m releasing.

  • Productivity has been off the charts.

  • I have the biggest waitlist to date!

  • Was led to new exercises and dietary adjustments after setting intentions about my vitality.

  • Started a blog hehe.

  • Inquiries for the next round of APEX are already coming through - I’ve been dreaming about this for years! (If you want to secure your seat, submit your application here and my team will set you up.)

  • Did tons of mindset and emotional work all week, nothing has been left to fester.

  • Relationship improvements (ie: deeper intimacy, improved communication, etc.) - historically, changes in my relationship were most evident after week 4, this time I’m seeing them week 1.

  • I’m having an abnormal amount of website traffic and social media engagement.

  • Received the most incredible testimonial from Slut Magic after doing mindset work on how the program is perceived (cough cough, Slut Magic is on pre-sale this week only - check it out here).

  • Danced… like a lot.

  • Accessed greater levels of pleasure and sensation in my body (this is important for money, visibility, success, and love).

  • My pelvic floor physical therapist confirmed a date for her guest lecture inside Slut Magic (coming this November).

  • Unexpectedly got a huge increase on my credit limit.

  • Oh! And my VA sent me the coolest message, she took a few pointers just from the APEX PDF (keep in mind this is not the protocol) and manifestations started rolling in the following week! How wild is that?! Look at the messages she sent me:

HOLY MOLY BATMAN! THIS IS JUST WEEK 1! STAY TUNED TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT…

THE NEXT STORY IS TMI, STOP READING HERE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT.

The very first day of APEX, I decided to make my favorite soup - it’s a recipe I’ve made dozens of times and it’s a staple of my fall and winter diet. One pot of this particular soup lasts me about 4 days.

Now… when I say week 1 is detox week, I mean that in every sense of the word. Generally speaking, I experience improvements in my digestion within the first 7 days of APEX. Changes are to be expected, but what happened next was not exactly what I had in mind.

It all started Day 2 when I ate my soup as usual and also happened to have about 6oz of kombucha. Shortly after, my stomach became extremely bloated and I had gas pain that made it nearly impossible to sleep. I laid in bed, sweating and contorting my body in an attempt to get relief until 1 or 2am when I eventually dozed off.

The next morning, I concluded the kombucha was to blame and threw it out.

I had my typical morning meeting in the bathroom when I was horrified to discover uncharacteristically loose stool. The strangest thing about all of this was I hadn’t eaten anything out of the ordinary… As they day went on, I assumed the situation was resolved and my digestion would go back to normal.

Some time later, the abdominal pain returned. I could feel a massive amount of GI movement and began to panic as another heinous bathroom meeting commenced. What the fuck?

The abdominal discomfort would go away for awhile, only to return long enough to frighten me. Bear in mind, I had no other symptoms. Eventually, my health anxiety came to a crescendo and I decided to call my grandmother late that evening.

“What’s going on? Are you okay?” she asked.
”I’m sorry to call like this, would you mind telling me how I would be able to tell if I had appendicitis?”

After she talked me off the ledge, I was soothed until bedtime, only to have the same symptoms arise the following day. I spent hours contemplating what could possibly be causing this to no avail.

Day 5 was no different. For lunch, I heated my last cup of soup on the stovetop and added some extra broth since it wasn’t quite a full serving. I sat on the couch and gleefully sipped my soup while chatting with a girlfriend on the phone.

After another bathroom meeting that evening, I was truly perplexed - 4 days of this with no other symptoms and no dietary changes.

Until a memory struck me: while at Costco the previous weekend, I decided to grab a new brand of bone broth and used that as half the base of my soup. This specific bone broth was almost pure gelatin.

I felt the impulse and took to Google: does bone broth cause diarrhea?

Unbeknownst to me… it turns out bone broth is a natural diarrhetic. BONE BROTH IS A NATURAL DIARRHETIC.

Here I am, blissfully eating huge bowls of laxative soup every night, while I’m unknowingly inducing a full blown colon cleanse.

You should see all the articles on bone broth:

“If you’re having diarrhea, you should reduce your intake.”
”You should avoid consuming too much since it can cause diarrhea!”
”Bone broth is full of magnesium!”

So anyway… I wanted a detox and I certainly got one. *sigh*

That’s all for now!